I'm having a bad week.
I'm in a rut.
I need to get more sleep.
That's another issue. Men. Good, honest, God-fearing, respectable gentlemen (notice I'm not even requiring a Southern, independently wealthy gentleman - hello, personal growth!). Where do they spend their time? Because it is certainly not anywhere I am. I'm not looking for a husband right now, but am I asking so much just to have a little crush? Just SOMEONE to get my heart racing and butterflies fluttering?
Maybe I am. Asking for too much, that is. My need for change has taken on a life of its own. I want change in every. single. area of my life. My job - I know there are so, so many people out there who have lost or are losing theirs, and I feel like a big complainy, whiny mess complaining about the good, secure job that I have. I KNOW that. But all the same, this is not what I want to do forever. I want to feel inspired. And right now? When I leave the office, I just feel like I've been hit by a bus. Repeatedly.
My parents have had several of their "career chats" with me. Usually after I've spent hours on the beach trying to escape reality in some sort of paperback smut. And they pull me right back in. They are just trying to be helpful. I know that too. But still. If I had an idea of what I want to do, be or become don't they think that they've raised me well enough to make a move? To make something happen? To be something more?
My house. I love my house, but I've recently passed the one year mark since I bought it. Never have I lived anywhere for more than a year. I want a change. And I sure as hell can't afford to renovate or redecorate right now (See: refinance, shopping obsession, bar-goer). So now I'm refinancing because the market is crap, I had an ARM and I know it's going to take the market awhile to bounce back and it's going to be a long, long while before I am able to sell it for profit.
In a related complaint: my city. I love Charleston. Love it. Grew up here, came back after college. But I'm pretty much over it. I want a new city. A new scene. New experiences. New challenges. Right now, I feel trapped (See: house, refinance, economy sucks). And I hate that I came right back. I wish I had moved elsewhere first. I know I want to end up here one day. My family is here. Most of my friends are too. Who wouldn't want to live at the beach? But before that? I need something new. And I'm so afraid that I won't be able to do it. That I'll end up spending my whole life in this one place, excluding 4 years of undergrad. That I'll be a coward.
That's probably my biggest problem. I'm craving change, but I'm afraid to make it happen. I'm afraid of rocking the boat. Yes, I'm in a rut, but better to be in a rut with a job that pays the mortgage and friends and family surrounding me, than to be jobless in a new city where I know no one and can't afford my mortgage here or a place to live there, right? That? That sounds scary. Even scarier than being bored, tired, in a rut and a bad mood.
But it would be change.
And change? Though scary, sounds really good right about now.