Monday, June 22, 2009

This must be my quarter-life crisis. Or pity party.

I'm having a bad week.
I'm hormonal.
I'm in a rut.
I need to get more sleep.

You've heard it all. If not from yourself, then if you follow me on twitter, you've definitely heard it from me. But this - this time it feels different. Sure, all of the above ring true still, but I feel like I've reached a breaking point. I need change. In some small way - ANY positive way. Even if the change is just neutral - fine. Great. Bring it on. I need SOMETHING to look forward to other than going to another friend's wedding, or refinancing my house. These are not exciting occurrences anymore. Sure, I'm thrilled for all of my friends who have found that person that they want to spend their lives with. I would never begrudge them happiness. I just thought I'd be a lot closer to where they are as I approach 26. And I'm not saying I'm ready to get married. I'm not at all. Not yet, at least. One day. If I ever meet someone I can stand to be around for more than 5 minutes.

That's another issue. Men. Good, honest, God-fearing, respectable gentlemen (notice I'm not even requiring a Southern, independently wealthy gentleman - hello, personal growth!). Where do they spend their time? Because it is certainly not anywhere I am. I'm not looking for a husband right now, but am I asking so much just to have a little crush? Just SOMEONE to get my heart racing and butterflies fluttering?

Maybe I am. Asking for too much, that is. My need for change has taken on a life of its own. I want change in every. single. area of my life. My job - I know there are so, so many people out there who have lost or are losing theirs, and I feel like a big complainy, whiny mess complaining about the good, secure job that I have. I KNOW that. But all the same, this is not what I want to do forever. I want to feel inspired. And right now? When I leave the office, I just feel like I've been hit by a bus. Repeatedly.

My parents have had several of their "career chats" with me. Usually after I've spent hours on the beach trying to escape reality in some sort of paperback smut. And they pull me right back in. They are just trying to be helpful. I know that too. But still. If I had an idea of what I want to do, be or become don't they think that they've raised me well enough to make a move? To make something happen? To be something more?

My house. I love my house, but I've recently passed the one year mark since I bought it. Never have I lived anywhere for more than a year. I want a change. And I sure as hell can't afford to renovate or redecorate right now (See: refinance, shopping obsession, bar-goer). So now I'm refinancing because the market is crap, I had an ARM and I know it's going to take the market awhile to bounce back and it's going to be a long, long while before I am able to sell it for profit.

In a related complaint: my city. I love Charleston. Love it. Grew up here, came back after college. But I'm pretty much over it. I want a new city. A new scene. New experiences. New challenges. Right now, I feel trapped (See: house, refinance, economy sucks). And I hate that I came right back. I wish I had moved elsewhere first. I know I want to end up here one day. My family is here. Most of my friends are too. Who wouldn't want to live at the beach? But before that? I need something new. And I'm so afraid that I won't be able to do it. That I'll end up spending my whole life in this one place, excluding 4 years of undergrad. That I'll be a coward.

That's probably my biggest problem. I'm craving change, but I'm afraid to make it happen. I'm afraid of rocking the boat. Yes, I'm in a rut, but better to be in a rut with a job that pays the mortgage and friends and family surrounding me, than to be jobless in a new city where I know no one and can't afford my mortgage here or a place to live there, right? That? That sounds scary. Even scarier than being bored, tired, in a rut and a bad mood.

But it would be change.

And change? Though scary, sounds really good right about now.


  1. This is so me right now. SO ME. I found you through a fellow blogger and I definitely was agreeing with everything you had to say. I'm about to quit my job and travel to Europe for two months despite everyone screaming at me about the economy. but like you i want to be inspired and its not happening at my job. FAR from it. So I'm hoping that doing this for myself will make me happy, help me find my way down the right path.

    Best of luck to you :)

  2. I totally, totally, totally understand and in many way, am exactly where you are right now. I don't know what I should be doing, but I know that it's more than this. And yeah, where the heck are the good, God-fearing men with all of their teeth and an education? It might be easier to find the Holy Grail than one of those guys.

  3. Don't beat yourself up about not being where you thought you'd be by now. You're totally and completely normal! I think sometimes you have to come into your own even amidst the responsibilities of a house, the Big Girl Job, etc. It's not as easy as blowing everything off and backpacking through Europe or moving to Wyoming or whatever the popular "find yourself" thing is today, but I think it's just as rewarding.

    Hang in there, boo. Even those who have figured it all out (for now), hit a rut every once in awhile.

    (and high-five for finally closing your loan. Maybe you should go into mortgaging? Something tells me you'd be more efficient than your joker, or mine!)

  4. Hey, Dots...
    I completely understand how you feel. I felt the same way you do when I turned 26 (it actually started at 25 and carried on for a year)...

    I was so bummed out with everyone else buying houses, having careers they loved, getting married, having babies, etc. etc...

    I knew deep down that I wasn't ready for any of that. But I think when I was 18 and decided my "life plan" I thought I would have those things at that point (does that make sense) and I was really disappointed that I didn't have them (even if I didn't want them)...

    I would love to tell you that I made some huge change and am now gloriously happy with everything going on and that's not necessarily the case. I still hate the city I live in. I still have my same job that I am not even close to being in love with, but there are all sort of terrific things out there...There have been a lot of good things too though...

    My point is, I think everybody (or most normal people) go through this very same thing. I know it doesn't mean much when people say "at least you have a job!" or "you're awesome!" when you feel crappy, but just realize that you will get through this. I know it has been said a million times, but focusing on the things that are good and exciting (re-financing! owning a house! having a makeover from Slynnro! being surrounded by friends!) and eventually it will work itself out.

    Anyway, sorry for the dramatics...I just want you to know that you are not alone in feeling that way...