Hand-written post on hair. Who could ask for more?

A look into my grey matter

This is what I call a "I have nothing really interesting to say, so I'll just tell you what myriad of thoughts are running through my head at any given moment," blog post. It's your lucky day!

1. It's finally beginning to feel like fall and I am so excited that I can barely stand it. I have been avoiding going to the mountains with my parents for the past oh...10 years? But this fall? I asked them if I could go too. My father nearly fell out of his chair. No really. I just can't wait to get up in the Smoky Mountains to see the leaves changing and go apple picking and wear boots and sweaters and jeans and maybe even a jacket?! Poor parents. I'm totally using them.

2. There is a drawer in my desk that keeps opening by itself. And it scares the shit out of me every. single. time. It just did it a few minutes ago and I gasped. Poltergeist? Perhaps.

3. Last night we were out celebrating the birth of my fabulous friend Mackall and ended up in what I shall refer to as a "Shady Shit-hole." Sharing all background information is imperative. Not really, I just wanted to type Shady Shit-hole. Twice. Anyway, there was this little girl - couldn't have been older than 19 - who was walking/dancing/stumbling around bragging about how she picked up this other girl in the ladies room. Which was evident, since they were all over one another. Now. Really? If someone started to come on to me in a bathroom I would be quite disgusted. Then again I wouldn't be making out all over the Shady Shit-hole (three times!) either, so perhaps I'm just a prude. There's a bar on Folly that has communal bathrooms (boys AND girls! weee!) with individual stall/rooms and a trough-like sink. There are plenty of opportunities to talk to someone if you so desire, but people just do there business and get out of there. Why in the HELL would you want to pick someone up IN A BATHROOM? Add that to the list of things not belonging in a public restroom. Didn't think it was necessary to write a list but apparently it is. So I shall:

Things that don't belong in public restrooms:

1. food
2. anything that could contain food
3. anything that will in the future contain food
4. cigarette smoke
5. illegal narcotics (who in the HELL thought it would be good idea to SNORT something off of a TOILET???? a. drugs are bad, b. OMG YOU'RE SNORTING IT OFF OF A TOILET IN A PUBLIC RESTROOM. BLARRRGGGG)
6. sexual activity (Really. Get a room.)
7. unattended children
8. pickup lines

4. As you may know, Crist is getting married (hi, Crist!) and it's super fun to "help" her look for things online. Things like illegal narcotics, unattended children and pickup lines. I kid! I kid! FUN things! Legal and appropriate things! Like wedding dress designers! And floral fun! WELL. Miss Crist saw a dress that she really liked featured on Style Me Pretty, but could not get a response from anyone regarding the designer of said gorgeous dress. So I did what any good friend would do, I tracked down the bride on Facebook and asked her. Turned out to be her sister in law, but whatever, we got the info that we needed. And in the process, I found my wedding dress. Number 3704. Granted, I'm not getting married any time soon, but I was a Girl Scout. Always prepared.

5. My roommate is moving out this weekend. She's leaving me to go be on The Real Housewives of Atlanta. (or maybe she's just moving to Atlanta?) I'm very sad to see her go. And, I'm going to try to be an adult and not trip her on her way out the door. Or let the air of the truck's tires. Or have unpacked all of her belongings while she sleeps.

6. I'm going to stay with Crist in three weeks! We're going to be LWLs in Columbia! And go to the football game! And I'll get to wear jeans and boots and maybe a jacket and get all drunk on beer! (priorities, people.)

7. Because my roommate is moving out I will now be paying my mortgage all by myself. This means no shopping. Anyone have any insight as to winning lottery numbers? Or a good therapist? Maura, Kristin - I have 2 rooms open. Move to Charleston. It's fun!

8. I might get to go to Australia and Fiji next June for FREE. (free to me, anyway) I may not stop talking about it between now and then. Advanced apologies.

9. I really, really want a Flip. SO FUN.

Tomorrow I'm adopting French as my first language.

Some of my conversations today were ones that belong in the record books. For varied reasons.

My morning began with this one:

District Court Clerk's office: hello?
Me: Hi, I have a question about a filing that I made last night. This morning I received a notice that it was not filed in the proper manner and I wanted to clarify which item it should be filed under so that I might fix it.
DC: what were you filing?
Me: [insert boring law speak here]
DC: and you filed it under what?
Me: [more boring law speak]
DC: yeah, you filed it wrong.
Me: Yes, I gathered that from the notice. Would you mind telling me what item it SHOULD be filed under?
internal monologue: WTF, YOU :kjgi:&r*&")(u"ih"oug. NO SHIT I "FILED IT WRONG" I CAN READ THE MFING NOTICE.
DC: hold please
DC: miss? you need to file it under notices, other.
Me: Ok, great, thank you.

[I file the damn thing under the right thing with the electronic filing. I'm sure you totally understand what I'm saying.]

...five minutes later

[I receive a new notice via email - the document has been filed under the wrong item. AGAIN.]

internal monologue: WTF YOU FMAOHBAOIHGAOIREW;AOIEUR[PT9Y2 YOU JUST TOLD ME HOW TO FILE IT AND NOW ;OGHOAIEWR7897&(%(*3

[head explodes]

But! Fear not, gentle reader - this next precious discourse GREATLY improved my day. And to me, is the greatest gchat of all time. Thanks to the lovelies jcristg and AmeliaMac. (these are select passages only, obvi)

jcristg: and i'm listening to the avett brothers on npr
i feel so cliche saying that
please don't tell anyone
so cliche and HIPSTER
me: you are such a hipster
i'm telling

[conversation progresses, we all watch this video]

jcristg: also, this is the most annoying song prob ever
but the video is too much
me: had you not heard it?
AmeliaMac: (i love that song... do not judge)
jcristg: i have heard it
i can't believe i made it all the way through it
me: AmeliaMac: (i love that song... do not judge) hahahha i'm so proud
jcristg: (i am hipster, remember? not teeny-bopper)
me: oh right. forgot.
AmeliaMac: i am both.
jcristg: lol
AmeliaMac: i'm a hipster-bopper
me: AHAHAHA
AmeliaMac: or a teeny-hipster... whichev
me: the chances of you seeing this portion of the conversation on my blog later are PRETTY DAMN GOOD
AmeliaMac: also, using the term "teeny-hipster" introduces the most-loved concept on earth for a hipster: irony. i am neither teeny, nor hip - IRONIC!

[note: AmeliaMac is so TOTALLY hip, but alas not a teenager - still pretty damn funny, though]

me: "how many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
"Two. One to change it in an ironic fashion and one to get it."
or - my personal favorite: "how many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
"you mean you don't know?"

[thus ending the hipster portion of the afternoon]

And then, there was the very brief, yet highly memorable exchange which occurred this evening with my mother. If you follow me on twitter you are already aware of this one.

(this one might be the best one. Ya know, if you're not me.)

Oh the Mom. What will I do with you?

That's it for tonight, party people. Unless someone else wants to talk Party in the USA?

xo

News You Can Use

There are going to be a couple of changes around here in the next few days/weeks, my dearies.

I know. Brace yourselves.

First - I am getting a brand. new. blog. MAKEOVER!! From the fabulous krameymartin! (You too can obtain a krameymartin design original! Go here. Now.) I'm not sure you can really understand how excited I am about this. But suffice it to say, I'M REALLY EFFING EXCITED.

AND one of my birthday presents from my fabulous roommate taysaywhat is about to become a daily Green is the New Dots blog FEATURE. Whoa. Calm down. Don't give yourself a coronary. It IS pretty exciting. I shall call it: THE DAILY DOTS.

And what is this new fabulous daily feature you ask?? My daily entry in my very own shiny brand-new orange Keel's Simple Diary!! I KNOW.

AND - oh yes, there is more - yours truly has recently become a mobile advertising unit for my good friend lileturner's jewelry line! I'm even going to be posting pictures of MYSELF modeling some of her pieces here! On this very blog! And if you're good? I might just give you her contact information so you can get your own shiny baubles created by lileturner! I KNOW.

Today I wore (and sold) this one:

Ok. That's all the fun surprises I have for now.

So without further adieu...

The FIRST ENTRY IN MY KEEL'S SIMPLE DIARY

Date: 09.02.09

Your day was: (only choose one)

(x) a U-turn

Explain why:

My day started out well. I was actually surprisingly chipper upon waking. And then it went downhill. Quickly. And I thought it was going to be another hellacious stunner. But! Then, just as suddenly, it turned back around and it has actually been a pretty tolerable day!

Feeling at home:

2. A mess of your own making, reassuring diversions to keep you busy and engaged in every corner.

Those of you that have seen my pictures on TWC know that my room sometimes (ok, usually) is a wreck. But at least it's my own mess. Right? RIGHT. And there are certainly plenty of diversions lurking in every corner.

Are you at peace with your hair?

(x) Yes - at least for now

With respect to your generosity:

b) some take advantage

But doesn't that happen to everyone?

MIA - Not Just Genovia's New Princess

I know - you've all been wondering where I've been. I'll tell you where I've been: I've been at work. Or at a bar. Or at the beach. And recently, not one of these locations have been what I would call "conducive" to visiting my wee blog over here.

Work? Nope. Been too busy working with the wysiwyg for our firm website to actually bother with my own! (rude.)

Bar? Dangerous. I know people IRL that read this - so it's best I'm not blogging while intoxicated. that's what Twitter is for.

Beach? Um. No. For several reasons: 1. booze. 2. sand. 3. booze.

So I thought I'd drop in to say "hello!" and just get a few things off of my chest and let you know what's been going on with me:

1. I hate it when people have absolutely nothing to do with you until they need something.


2. I hate it when people accuse you of doing things that they themselves are CONSISTENTLY guilty of: ie. "be mindful of how loud you are speaking of non-work related things." REALLY? REALLY??? hello pot, I'm kettle.


3. I've recently agreed to train for a 1/2 marathon which occurs in December.


4. Related to #3: I'll probably become crippled sometime soon.


5. I'm going shopping tonight to buy myself several pair of the new GAP jeans. See pity party related to #s 1-4 above.


6. I want a new car.


7. I can't afford one.


8. My alma mater was voted #71 in the country in the latest Forbes ranking.


9. My diploma is a piece of paper that serves as decoration in my office. That's about all it's worth to me right now.


10. I'm thinking of changing my name.


11. To Ezmeralda.


12. Not really. But it would be fun. Maybe I'll try it out this weekend.


13. I can't meet a single man. Weird.


14. By single man I don't mean I can't meet any. I mean they are ALL married. Or dating a supermodel. Oh, or they are entirely unattainable.


15. Charleston's female to male ratio is like 20:1.


16. At least as far as attractive people are concerned.


17. I'm going to Athens this weekend! (Georgia)


18. I'm super excited!!! I get to see my girls!!! And The Corduroy Road! Weeeee!

Ok. I think I'm done for now.

xo.

Let's discuss

1. I really, really am seriously jealous of all of you who are currently at Blogher and I'm not. I eagerly await each and every one of your Twitter updates and Blogher wrap-up posts. And I also kind of want to hit you. But just a little bit.
   
   
2. Because I was not at Blogher today, I decided that I was not going to be productive at all as far as work was concerned. Items accomplished today: painted nails, read OK! magazine, cleaned out my Google Reader, caught up on personal emails, watched the New Moon trailer as well as sneak peeks filmed at ComicCon and drank 5 cups of coffee. I also helped jcristg find a new purse and mourned the fact that The Pioneer Woman is at Blogher and we are not.
   
   
3. I ordered this watch the other day. It has been "out for delivery" since 6:50AM. Where the hell is it?!
   
   
4. If my watch isn't delivered today. I'm going to get one of these.
   
   
5. WHAT KIND OF FREAK DOES THAT TO THEMSELVES???
   
   
6. I went to my grandparents' house for dinner last night. What you don't want to hear from your grandfather as soon as you walk in the door: "What have you been up to other than eating?" (I AM NOT asking for compliments here, so don't give me any. I just want you to think the same thing I am: REALLY? REALLY, PAPA?) Anyone else have experience with their grandparents losing their filters???
   
   
7. I bought some of these notebooks the other day from Target and I really, really like them. You should buy them too.
   
   
8. HAPPY WEEKEND!!!!!

The Ugly Truth

SPOTTED: Katie Heigl has decided to give her husband a taste of his own medicine.




















Whoa. Yes, I believe I'd say victory is mine.

Josh? I'll be waiting for your call.

xoxo.

Extreme Self Makeover

As some of you may know, I am the very lucky girl to benefit from the first Slynnro Makeover and I'm beyond excited about it.

Today is the first day of my attempt to implement Slynnro's directives by shopping in my own closet before shopping elsewhere. (We are in a recession, after all).

Behold, Day One:

Let me know what you think! Constructive criticism is welcome; hateful comments are punishable by my hormonal tears. And raging emails.

And now, I'm using this very timely Slynnro-imposed wardrobe change (woo! change!) as a jumping off point for some self-imposed life changes, a life makeover perhaps. After having thrown myself a major pity party that lasted for about 2 weeks I decided that if I really am craving change, there is no way it's going to happen unless I start making some changes. How can I expect change in my life if I'm never doing anything about changing it? (I realize I'm using the word change, or a variation of it, a little excessively. Apologies.)

So. Here's my plan so far (in addition to Slynnro's makeover) for my life makeover:

1. On Sunday, I'm going to church. I know some of you aren't big church-goers, but I used to be and honestly I remember how it felt to start off the week on the right foot (for me). I haven't been finding joy in many (if any) aspects of my life lately, and honestly, this is the best place I can think of to start.

2. Start getting to work early. And if not early, at least on time for the love of all things good and right in the world. I am so much more productive in the mornings! Afternoons are miserable! So WHY ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH have I been getting to work so late that I have to stay until 6:00 just to get my hours for the day??? Why???

3. Exercise regime! Endorphins? Hello? Enough said.

4. Healthy eating! No way am I saying that I'm going to crash diet and turn into some health food nut, because, really - that's not me. I like cheeseburgers. A lot. But maybe let's limit that intake, Dots. Pump the breaks. So I'm going to actually try to adhere to a balanced diet! Vegetables! The wonders!

These are the only steps I have so far. Any other suggestions? What have you found has helped you get out of a slump, frump, rut, etc.? (Other than traveling to another country, because frankly, I can't afford that. Related: Ashley? I am truly awed by your bravery to pick up and go. I can't wait to read about all that you have seen, heard and learned about yourself.)

This must be my quarter-life crisis. Or pity party.

I'm having a bad week.
I'm hormonal.
I'm in a rut.
I need to get more sleep.

You've heard it all. If not from yourself, then if you follow me on twitter, you've definitely heard it from me. But this - this time it feels different. Sure, all of the above ring true still, but I feel like I've reached a breaking point. I need change. In some small way - ANY positive way. Even if the change is just neutral - fine. Great. Bring it on. I need SOMETHING to look forward to other than going to another friend's wedding, or refinancing my house. These are not exciting occurrences anymore. Sure, I'm thrilled for all of my friends who have found that person that they want to spend their lives with. I would never begrudge them happiness. I just thought I'd be a lot closer to where they are as I approach 26. And I'm not saying I'm ready to get married. I'm not at all. Not yet, at least. One day. If I ever meet someone I can stand to be around for more than 5 minutes.

That's another issue. Men. Good, honest, God-fearing, respectable gentlemen (notice I'm not even requiring a Southern, independently wealthy gentleman - hello, personal growth!). Where do they spend their time? Because it is certainly not anywhere I am. I'm not looking for a husband right now, but am I asking so much just to have a little crush? Just SOMEONE to get my heart racing and butterflies fluttering?

Maybe I am. Asking for too much, that is. My need for change has taken on a life of its own. I want change in every. single. area of my life. My job - I know there are so, so many people out there who have lost or are losing theirs, and I feel like a big complainy, whiny mess complaining about the good, secure job that I have. I KNOW that. But all the same, this is not what I want to do forever. I want to feel inspired. And right now? When I leave the office, I just feel like I've been hit by a bus. Repeatedly.

My parents have had several of their "career chats" with me. Usually after I've spent hours on the beach trying to escape reality in some sort of paperback smut. And they pull me right back in. They are just trying to be helpful. I know that too. But still. If I had an idea of what I want to do, be or become don't they think that they've raised me well enough to make a move? To make something happen? To be something more?

My house. I love my house, but I've recently passed the one year mark since I bought it. Never have I lived anywhere for more than a year. I want a change. And I sure as hell can't afford to renovate or redecorate right now (See: refinance, shopping obsession, bar-goer). So now I'm refinancing because the market is crap, I had an ARM and I know it's going to take the market awhile to bounce back and it's going to be a long, long while before I am able to sell it for profit.

In a related complaint: my city. I love Charleston. Love it. Grew up here, came back after college. But I'm pretty much over it. I want a new city. A new scene. New experiences. New challenges. Right now, I feel trapped (See: house, refinance, economy sucks). And I hate that I came right back. I wish I had moved elsewhere first. I know I want to end up here one day. My family is here. Most of my friends are too. Who wouldn't want to live at the beach? But before that? I need something new. And I'm so afraid that I won't be able to do it. That I'll end up spending my whole life in this one place, excluding 4 years of undergrad. That I'll be a coward.

That's probably my biggest problem. I'm craving change, but I'm afraid to make it happen. I'm afraid of rocking the boat. Yes, I'm in a rut, but better to be in a rut with a job that pays the mortgage and friends and family surrounding me, than to be jobless in a new city where I know no one and can't afford my mortgage here or a place to live there, right? That? That sounds scary. Even scarier than being bored, tired, in a rut and a bad mood.

But it would be change.

And change? Though scary, sounds really good right about now.

GET OVER IT

That's right, people. I did it. I survived. Don't worry - I'm just as surprised as you are. The motivation for my running in the bridge run? Good old fashioned irritation. That's right. Piss me off and I'll do exactly what you allege I cannot. Or should not. At first I thought about registering for this year's bridge run because I have tried on several past occasions and just haven't done it, either due to injury or scheduling conflicts, or last year's " Hm, I think I'd rather go out and party at the 'I slept through the bridge run' parties. Thanks anyway." So this year I started thinking that I would do it. And then someone related to me, I'll not name names, made a comment something akin to "WHAT?????????" And that's all it took. Mind you, I did not train AT ALL, but I'll be damned , I was not going to let someone with that kind of response be proven right. And so I did it. SO THERE. HA.

And lo! There is proof! Part of me wants to email this to her:
But instead - I think I'll wait to order the picture of me crossing the finish line. Only wish I had thought to shoot the camera the bird. Oh well, I guess hindsight IS 20/20.

Also - you should know that while my time is not the fastest, I did run about 3 miles of the LONGEST 10K EVER. My running more than 1 mile is UNHEARD of. I can credit at least 1 mile of the 3 to some jackass that kept running up until he was about 10 feet infront of me and would then run backwards while looking for his girlfriend/wife. It was BEYOND IRRITATING. If you are worried about where she is - SLOW YOUR ROLL AND RUN WITH HER YOU ASSHAT. So in order to get away from him, I sped up. And considered tripping him in the process. My roommate, needless to say, was incredibly entertained.

SO the lesson for today? If you want me to do something, tell me I can't. Or just piss me off.

xo

Just when I think no one TRULY gets me

My mom comes through with this:

Apparently I need to add "must be familiar with proper grammar" to my list of what I'm looking for in a man. My propensity for correcting the grammar of individuals I know and love (or don't know and don't love) may also be a reason I will not be spending Valentine's day with anyone but my single friends... oh well, at least they're as bitchy as I am.

I hope everyone has a very Happy Valentine's Day.

As for me, I'll be drinking vodka. Maybe even organic vodka!

xo

25 Random Facts About My Office

As I am sure you may have heard (or even participated in) there is a meme sweeping the internets called "25 Random Facts About Me". I want in on the action (read: I want an easy post since I apparently can't think of anything to say), however I'm not really interested in doing a lot of introspection. I do way too much of that as it is, and frankly I think it would just frustrate me if I didn't think I could entertain the masses with my 25 points of randomness. I don't know that I would even be able to come up with 25 things that I would consider actually posting (I mean, my parents might stumble upon this blog one day) - so I have therefore decided that I will list 25 random facts about my office! My personal workspace! You may find this incredibly boring. I probably would too if I were you, but what can I say, I haven't posted in awhile and frankly, I'm bored. So! Here we go!

1. My office has four walls and a door. You may not find that impressive, but a lot of people in my building do.
2. The walls and door allow me to gossip with coworkers with no one else hearing. A lot. People with cubicles get caught. Not me.
3. A little chotchke sits on my desk that says: "I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully."
4. My college diploma hangs on the wall to remind me that my $100,000 education really wasn't worth it.
5. A Happy Bunny calendar hangs on my bulletin board. February says "me + me" with a heart around it. Appropriate.
6. There is an unhealthy collection of tervis tumblers stacked up around here.
7. My monitor faces away from the door. Hi Twitter! Hi Jcrew! Hi Google Reader! Mwhahaha.
8. My at-a-glance calendar has not been updated since November.
9. My files are obsessively labeled.
10. My plant has been dying for the last 2 years.
11. Greeting cards (that come to me here) are posted on my bulletin board - my personal favorite: "She said 'That's a lot of money to spend on a purse," and I knew we couldn't be friends."
12. The ladies bathroom is on the other side of my back wall.
13. My office is perpetually engulfed in the sound of flushing and toilet paper rolling.
14. This sits on a bookshelf out of plain sight, but there nonetheless. *sigh*
15. Post-its sitting on my desk that are frequently used (gifts from my boss and one from a friend) include: a) "100% Goddess", b) " '________________________,' said the princess." and c) "If by 'working out' you mean marathon shopping, why yes I do."
16. Hanging directly inside my door and peering down the hall is an upcloseandpersonal picture of a grasshopper's face captioned: "WHAT. This had BETTER be important."
17. My offices holds a lot of binders. And bankers boxes. And files. And expandables. And tervis tumblers (as previously mentioned). And coffee cups. And pens. And more pens.
18. I have a dry erase board on the front of my desk (from my roommate) that says, "That's what she said" - you would be surprised how many coworkers don't get that reference.
19. I keep my trash can 3 to 4 feet away from me so I can practice my bball skillz from my desk. Sometimes my trash ends up in the hall. Tough.
20. I have all of my passwords for lexis nexis, pacer, etc. neatly typed and hanging on the bulletin board. But I don't look at them - I have them all memorized.
21. My "personal stuff" drawer holds a bottle of maple syrup, a container of oatmeal, stationary, remnant pieces of wrapping paper and nail polish remover. And an ipod shuffle.
22. I have enough personal information on several people in here to steal all of their identities and never get caught. But I wouldn't do that! Unless they cross me. Ha! I'm just kidding. Sort of.
23. I use spiral notebooks. My office is being overrun by them. Everyone else uses legal pads. They just don't understand.
24. Ten of my offices could fit into one of Crist's. Claustraphobia!!
25. People like to visit my office and rearrange my guest chair and candle that says "what would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?". Know what I would attempt to do if I knew I couldn't fail? Glue my candle to my desk and bolt my chair to the floor. THEY ARE THERE FOR A REASON BECAUSE I LIKE IT THERE AND I AM ANAL RETENTIVE OK?

So I'm guessing that by reading about my office you can learn random things about me as well. And there goes the toilet flushing.