Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The itsy-bit...The FREAKING HUGE Spider

Disclaimer: Yes, one of God's creatures was harmed - but not expressly for the purpose of this blog. I HAD to do it. Our lives could have been in DANGER, people. And I left the two innocents, Rita and Rob, (both black and yellow garden [aka banana] spiders) alive and well in the corner under the eave. So I don't want to hear it.

When I arrived at work today, the following email awaited me:
From: kungfuvonny
Sent: Wednesday, July 08, 2009 9:10 AM
To: Green is the New Dots; Taysaywhat
Subject: AHHHHHH

did anyone see the new, HUGE spider by where the other two are? it was crouched in the corner and i am not kidding i thought it was a brown baby frog or something. it is the HUGEST spider i have ever seen except for those banana spiders.
Hm. I did not notice said spider. Perhaps it was due to my sleep-induced haze? Thus, the following email conversation commenced:

Taysaywhat: On the front porch????

kungfuvonny: yes!!! all crouched up like in the corner between the side wall and the wall the door is on. i'm not kidding, it's so huge i didn't even know what to do so i started nervously giggling.

Taysaywhat: dead curled up? how did i miss that? it's going to have to be shooed away. and by shooed i meant SHOED. By the Dots.

kungfuvonny: NO, ALIVE. crouched in ready position. maybe it will be gone. i'm hoping i was hallucinating.

Taysaywhat: why didn't you Twit pic? Are you sure it didn't get in the house?

kungfuvonny: i am sure that it was still outside when i left. and honestly, it's like a wild animal. i don't know if it could survive indoors where it can't hunt large rodents.

Green is the New Dots: i did not notice this king of the spiders. should i make a special trip home at lunch to check it out and end it's rodent-hunting life? though i have to remind you - spiders kill other bugs. perhaps this is a special palmetto bug eating spider and we should let it live in a life of luxury?

Thus, it was then decided that kungfuvonny and I would go home at lunch and I would take care of this little spider problem once and for all.
And so we did.

I shall now give you the step by step scenario of what occurred upon arriving at the casa de Dots.

Observation/Step 1:
Spidey can, in fact, be seen from the driveway.

Observation/Step 2:

Spidey's body (legs curled up in lotus position) is the size of 2+ of my fingernails. (Larger than he appears as my hand is very much in the foreground - not that brave.)

Observation/Step 3:
Upon closer inspection, Spidey is super freaky looking.

Step 4:

Spray Spidey with cockroach spray.

Observation/Step 5:
Spidey jumps to the ground splaying out his legs. Diameter of Spidey with legs stretched=3.5-4 inches (I'M NOT KIDDING) (cue kungfuvonny's shriek)

Step 6:
Smash Spidey to pieces with Jack Rogers sandal and throw him away in the herby curby.


Hopefully Spidey's spouse/mother will not come find me and avenge his death.

For those of you concerned, Rita and Rob are still hanging on and going strong. They were not harmed in the massacre of the king-crab-looking, prehistoric Spidey.

UPDATE: Rob has since bitten the dust. He is most likely a victim of the back blast of the cockroach spray used to debilitate Spidey. RIP Rob. Rita will miss you. And looks seriously pissed.


  1. Ewww. Thank you for saving humankind.

  2. So glad you lived!
    LWL most definitely kill mammoth spiders with their Jack Rogers sandal.

  3. OMG. You are so brave. Spiders don't scare me too much but cockroaches freak me the eff out. I couldn't kill a cockroach...I am not a hero. What you did was heroic.